Sustainable Suicide

Some people suffer from physical disorders or illnesses.  They are easy to see or diagnose, whether it’s from some blood work or an X-ray or CT Scan whatever.  Most of them have clear cut causes and clear cut cures.

Then there is mental illness or as I now choose to call it mental unwellness.  I hate labels.  I hate stigmas.  I hate preconceived notions of strangers or by strangers.  I digress.

Every once in a while, hard to really say how often, I kill myself.  Not in a physical sense but in every other way.  I go through my mind and slay every thought I have about myself, my life and my reality.  If what I was doing or thinking was working for me I wouldn’t have to… actually sometimes I even kill the things that work.  I throw lightning bolts at my tower just so that I can start over again.

I think the human mind has a tendency to want to make things seem logical, we look for patterns and reason.  Our sense of self and life are built on our fundamental thoughts and beliefs but if our fundamental thoughts are beliefs are flawed then our entire perspective becomes flawed as well.

Currently, I’m in self destruct mode.  I’m tearing down everything I thought to be true.  Every time I do this I learn that there are some concrete structures that stand the test of time and hold true no matter how many times I try and tear them down.  These are the beginning of my new foundation.

From here I can start over again.  From here I try again.

I’ve tried telling myself that I can get better, that I can figure this out and that the depression, anxiety and mania will go away one day, I just have to figure it out.  I don’t think that’s true anymore.  I’m choosing to stop believing that.  Not because I’m giving up on myself but more because I’m accepting myself, as is.  If it goes, it goes, if it stays, well then it stays.  I’m done with feeling like I need to be fixed.  This is who I am.  If it changes it changes, if it doesn’t then it doesn’t.  I’m okay with that.

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Stop body shaming me.

Being a woman in our current society is hard enough as it is, why do people feel the need to make it harder?  Well meaning comments about weight and appearance, no matter how well intentioned, do have an effect on people but maybe not the effect you were going for.  You may be doing more harm than good.  Case in point, my mother (she’s not the only one but if you follow me on FB you can see it for yourself) likes to take any chance she can get to point out that I’m thin.  Too thin according to her.  She feels that I need to eat more.  This is so very frustrating for me because I have fought this battle for a very long time.  I have tried to gain weight on several occasions only to fail epically.  My body does not like to hold extra weight.  In order for me to meet my mother’s standards for what a “healthy body” looks like I would have to binge on processed food, sugar and alcohol and also stop working out.  Please tell me how that is healthy?  If I did that yea I bet you I could put on an extra 5 or 10 pounds but I would be unfit, lethargic and depressed.  If any good has come of this it is that it has forced me to find my own truth and learn what is best for me and my body.  I like eating healthy, I love fruits, veggies, whole grains, nuts, legumes all that shit.  I do not like processed, fatty, fried, oily, sugary, genetically modified, pesticide, hormone injected toxic “food”.   Yes, I have to admit a lot of it taste wonderful but I can’t deny the feeling  of regret that I get after I eat something like that.  My body does not like it.  Plain and simple my body operates better when I feed it whole natural foods and whole natural foods tend to not leave any extra pounds on your body.

I know I’m thin and I know that may not be the ideal figure for a woman in our society or in our culture but guess what, I’m not out to try and impress anyone or get anyone else’s approval on what my body should look like.  I love my body, every inch of it and no that doesn’t mean I think it is perfect or even to the level I would like to see it but I do love it.  It helps me do the things I like to do and I am grateful for it.  Any part of my body that I am not fully satisfied with is in all honestly is a part of my body that I have neglected.  Also, how I am now is not how I will be for the rest of my life.  Right now my focus is not on any number on a scale, it is on eating properly to support my body and keep it healthy on the inside.  Once I feel like I have a hold on this then I will worry about weight gain if I feel like it but if I do trust that it will be for myself, not for her or anyone else.

And while we are on the subject, I hate how everyone has such a judgmental opinion on women’s bodies.  I am not what you would call an exhibitionist but I also do not feel that I should feel ashamed of my body in any way (no one should).  I will wear what I want and if it seems “inappropriate” it is because our society has been conditioned to view the female body as a sexual object.  I don’t see why I should have to cover everything up because it gives you “uncomfortable” feelings.  Can we at the very least entertain the thought that when a woman dresses a certain way maybe it is because she likes it and it pleases her.  Yes, there are some out there who like to dress to impress and get attention but not everyone is like that and you shouldn’t automatically assume that just because you can see a bit of skin.  Our bodies are our vessels, we have every right to feel comfortable in them no matter how uncomfortable that makes someone else.  We are here only for a moment and they are not permanent.  Important yes, but only because they allow us to do things in this physical realm.  The female body has more uses than just procreation, it also nurtures the offspring that comes out of it, it provides affection and love and protects those it cares about.  We really need to get over our obsession with how bodies should or shouldn’t look.  Worry about what’s on the inside.  Is your body healthy on the inside?  Is it housing someone worth knowing?  I want to raise my daughter to love her body no matter what it looks like and I want to raise my son to see past physical appearances and to be able to stand next to a woman in a bathing suit without gawking at her.  Is this really that hard to understand?