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Sorry not sorry

The lessons never seem to stop.  Granted they have gotten less painful but they are still just as valuable.  Right now I feel as though I am finishing up one that I have been wanting to fight.

The saying by Anais Nin “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” applies to people too.  I think far too many times in my life I have given other people the benefit of the doubt or second chances when they were not deserved.

These past few days I have been given multiple opportunities to apply this lesson.  It’s not easy for me because I like to see the good in people, the potential.  I make excuses for them because of circumstances or whatever.  I know I wasn’t always such a great person myself but I changed and I guess I kind of feel like maybe some people just need a chance, but not everyone is ready to change.  Not everyone sees their own flaws or faults.

I think what pushed me to change for the better was a good hard look at myself but I forget that most people are too busy looking outward to see what’s inside.

Self examination has shown me that I am a very “all or nothing” type of person.  I have trouble with the “in-between,” it is something I know I need to work on.

So when I try my best to be compassionate towards others sometimes I go too far and end up making excuses for them, I see them do things that are against my best interest but I let it slide.  I take their bullshit for whatever reason.  I try not to be mean back because like I said I’m very all or nothing so I am afraid that if I do let that side of me out things might get out of hand.  I know too much to ignore that you get what you give.  Me purposely causing harm to others does no good to me and I’m not petty enough to feel good about making someone else feel bad.  Maybe at one point I was, but not anymore.  Now I much rather prefer cutting them out of my life completely.

So today when I was making juice I noticed the foam at the top resembled a yin yang.  The yin yang is a symbol of balance.  There is some light in the dark, this I can see easily, however there is also some dark in the light, this is what I have been struggling to accepted but now I am seeing it as a necessity.

You can’t be nice to everyone all the time.  Some don’t deserve it and others just end up being harmful to you even if that is not their intention, that is just what they bring about because that is where they are in life.  Another saying that I’ve seen floating around is “Do no harm but take no shit.”  Sometimes the shit people throw your way is unintentional, sometimes it is made to seem unintentional other times it is flat out intentional, the intent however is irrelevant because the end result is still you covered in shit, shit that they are not going to help you clean up.

So I think what I have to learn to accept is that people bring shit on themselves and if your temporary discomfort is going to avoid a mess on my end I am okay with that.

It seems so counter-intuitive to my previous beliefs but I’ve had to do this a few times recently and I must admit that saying what I have to say and doing what I have to do to get people like this out of my life (no matter how uncomfortable it was for me at the moment) has left me with a feeling of relief.

This feeling of relief in contrast to the feeling of anxiety that these people brought about is all I need to know that I made the right decisions.

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Infidelity and Forgiveness

I understand that people make mistakes.  I understand that a big part of love is acceptance and forgiveness.  I am open to second chances because people are people and we make mistakes, it’s how we learn and how we grow but when your partner keeps making the same mistake over and over again and you keep taking them back over and over again it’s not them breaking your heart anymore, it’s you.
There is a big difference between; I think they’re messing around and I found a text on their phone or I actually saw them with someone else.  I’m sure a certain level of jealousy and paranoia is normal from time to time but if it keeps coming up it could be an indicator that you two are out of sync and need to reconnect.  And when the other person is flat out doing things that they would not do in front of you or would not want you to find out about then there is a problem.

If you are unhappy with your current partner then tell them, chances are they already know.  Tell them you want time apart, go and meet other people, have fun if you want but don’t go stringing them along as your safe bet because you are too much of a coward to tell them the truth.  Yeah, they probably won’t be happy to hear it but at least they can appreciate your honestly and if things don’t work out elsewhere and you want to go for Round 2 with them then you have a new level of openness and trust because they know that they can count on you to let them know when things aren’t right.  Hearing it from you versus hearing it from someone else makes a world of a difference.

But what if they hate you, what if they want nothing to do with you after that?  Well, if they really mean that much to you then you need to be putting in the effort to show them that they do and work on your problems.  If you can’t solve them then you can’t solve them but at least you will have a decent ending and yea they might hate you for a while but they will be thankful in the end because it’s better than being deceived and lied to.

The worst and most insulting thing, I have seen is when a person improves themselves, finds new suitors and then all of the sudden their ex has a change of heart.  They are so sorry and want you back.  *eye roll* Really?  Why couldn’t you appreciate them before?  Why do you care who they go on dates with now?  Are you afraid of them catching feelings for someone new and then shutting the door on you?  It’s one thing to recognize your mistake but another thing to weasel your way back into their life with more lies and deceptions because your little ego can’t handle seeing them be happy with someone else.  Let them be happy, let them go.  Where were all those feelings when you were messing around with the other people behind their back?  Did you think about them then?  Are you really sorry or just sorry because you got caught?

You are okay as long as they are miserable and miss you but the moment they pick themselves up off of the floor where you left them and shake off the dust all the sudden you want them back again.  Well, fuck you.

But unfortunately, that’s not what I see happening.  I see too many people drop their progress because their ex throws a few sweet words their way.  It wasn’t the words that broke you up, it was their actions so why are you letting them fix it with words instead of actions?  You love them, you don’t want to be alone, you already invested so much time in them, blah, blah, blah.  Once is a mistake, twice is a choice.  If it’s the first time fine, if it’s not…

I just want to tell you that you deserve better.  You deserve someone who is going to bend over backwards for you not just with words but with actions, who is going to show you that they have changed not promise that they will and quite frankly if you take them back so easily and so soon why the fuck would they change a thing?

At the very least give it time.  Learn who you are without them.  Wait until you know that you can be okay on your own.  You should be with someone because you want to, not because you feel you need to or are afraid of being alone or don’t want to see them with someone else.  If two people are meant to be together they will be.  I’m not saying love is easy, it’s not, it’s work and it’s heartache at times but you need to know that the person you are suffering for is worth the pain and you need to have a mutual respect for each other and a strong foundation built on trust.  If you don’t have that you have nothing.  Love alone is not enough.

However, at the end of the day, only you know what you know and what you feel and only you know your relationship and whether or not that person is worth the heartache.  Just make sure you’re not lying to yourself or making excuses when you take them back.  Have boundaries, let those boundaries be known and most importantly when those boundaries are crossed have enough respect for yourself to walk away.  Any relationship is really a relationship with yourself.  If you don’t love and respect yourself how can you expect anyone else to?

 

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