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Sorry not sorry

The lessons never seem to stop.  Granted they have gotten less painful but they are still just as valuable.  Right now I feel as though I am finishing up one that I have been wanting to fight.

The saying by Anais Nin “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” applies to people too.  I think far too many times in my life I have given other people the benefit of the doubt or second chances when they were not deserved.

These past few days I have been given multiple opportunities to apply this lesson.  It’s not easy for me because I like to see the good in people, the potential.  I make excuses for them because of circumstances or whatever.  I know I wasn’t always such a great person myself but I changed and I guess I kind of feel like maybe some people just need a chance, but not everyone is ready to change.  Not everyone sees their own flaws or faults.

I think what pushed me to change for the better was a good hard look at myself but I forget that most people are too busy looking outward to see what’s inside.

Self examination has shown me that I am a very “all or nothing” type of person.  I have trouble with the “in-between,” it is something I know I need to work on.

So when I try my best to be compassionate towards others sometimes I go too far and end up making excuses for them, I see them do things that are against my best interest but I let it slide.  I take their bullshit for whatever reason.  I try not to be mean back because like I said I’m very all or nothing so I am afraid that if I do let that side of me out things might get out of hand.  I know too much to ignore that you get what you give.  Me purposely causing harm to others does no good to me and I’m not petty enough to feel good about making someone else feel bad.  Maybe at one point I was, but not anymore.  Now I much rather prefer cutting them out of my life completely.

So today when I was making juice I noticed the foam at the top resembled a yin yang.  The yin yang is a symbol of balance.  There is some light in the dark, this I can see easily, however there is also some dark in the light, this is what I have been struggling to accepted but now I am seeing it as a necessity.

You can’t be nice to everyone all the time.  Some don’t deserve it and others just end up being harmful to you even if that is not their intention, that is just what they bring about because that is where they are in life.  Another saying that I’ve seen floating around is “Do no harm but take no shit.”  Sometimes the shit people throw your way is unintentional, sometimes it is made to seem unintentional other times it is flat out intentional, the intent however is irrelevant because the end result is still you covered in shit, shit that they are not going to help you clean up.

So I think what I have to learn to accept is that people bring shit on themselves and if your temporary discomfort is going to avoid a mess on my end I am okay with that.

It seems so counter-intuitive to my previous beliefs but I’ve had to do this a few times recently and I must admit that saying what I have to say and doing what I have to do to get people like this out of my life (no matter how uncomfortable it was for me at the moment) has left me with a feeling of relief.

This feeling of relief in contrast to the feeling of anxiety that these people brought about is all I need to know that I made the right decisions.

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Forget my worth and I’ll remind you

The universe likes to keep sending you the same scenarios until you overcome them.  Well it appears to be happening again and I’m not sure what the lesson is but I’ve decided to live and speak my truth.  If I find myself in a situation in which I feel less than appreciated or treated below what I feel I am worth I am going to leave.  I don’t think the lesson is to fight, I’ve done that and it would have appeared as if I had won but yet here I am again.  So this time no fighting.   I accept what is but at the same time have enough self respect to walk away from it because it does not reflect my truth and thus I  will not tolerate it in my reality.  If it will not move then I will change direction.  

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Crestfallen

I’m sitting here waiting for my food.   A moment I’ve been waiting since I knew I was making the 4 hour drive back home, but now I’m not hungry.  I’m sitting here alone trying to fight back tears and I’m not really sure why.  As soon as I dropped off the kids I felt it hit like a wave.   This overwhelming feeling of sadness.  I have the lovely habit of putting off my intense emotions for later processing and now that I finally have nothing else holding my attention they decide to come through.

The nostalgic music isn’t helping my cause.  I intended to get my food to go and eat at the beach but it ended up being a lot colder and later than I anticipated.  So now I’m here trying to figure out where these feelings are coming from.

I did have an exceptionally long day at work and a long drive but that’s not it.  Maybe it’s the reason why I’m down here… to visit someone I care about who is in the last place on earth that I’d like to be and all for reasons that aren’t good enough.  I’m not ready for this.

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When I’m lost

Every now and again, emphasis on the again, I get lost.  It happens when the noises on the outside become too frequent and get too loud, before I know it the noise is all I can hear.  I start to think of all these problems and all the things that are wrong and I get overwhelmed because I feel like I have to do something about them.  I lose myself.

Luckily, it’s happen often enough that I have a way to handle it.  Self care is a very important thing.  Life is full of disappointments, stress and heartache, not that these things are necessarily bad, they are necessary but they still take a toll on the mind, body and spirit.  So when I feel like I’ve lost myself in all the noise I find a way to get quiet again.

The fastest and easiest way to get rid of everything is to breathe.  The power of the breath is very much underestimated.  How could something so simple and basic have such a profound impact on you?  Well, try not breathing.

There are many pranayama techniques, I know very few but instead of forcing anything I just listen.  I listen without trying to change it.  When you focus on your breathing it changes.  It changes because your thoughts change, you are no longer thinking whatever you were thinking, you are just listening.  You can hear your thoughts in the breath.   So I sit and listen.  Eventually, my breathing becomes steady and deeper.  My mind gets quiet, even if only for the moment.  Sometimes, that moment is all you need.

Yoga is another thing that helps me.  When you focus on your body and the pose you become more present and aware of the moment.  After an hour or so of this we get rewarded with shavasana, corpse pose, where you just lie on your back, close your eyes and breathe.  You only notice it when you are coming out of it but if you are lucky you get to a point where you think and become nothing.  The noise stops and you have only silence.   It is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world.  I akin it to a mental reset.

All your problems are still there when you come back but they aren’t as loud and heavy anymore.  You gain distance and space.

Next to those two things is Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.  It’s hard to think of anything when you are rolling with someone else.  All your attention has to be focused on what you are doing.  By the time you are done you are physically exhausted and all the tension in your body has had a chance to work its way out.  The extra cortisol caused by any anxiety or stress has been put to good use and the body can relax again.

And finally, I find it relaxing to spend time in nature, either walking through a trail in the woods or going to the beach.  My current residence grants me access to the trees and I love it but sometimes only the beach will do and when that’s the case I make the drive back home, pick up tacos from my favorite place and go eat them on the beach.  I stare at the waves while I eat then usually soak up the sun for a while before going into the water and walking down the shore to dry off.  It’s the perfect solo date.   Nothing cleanses quite like the ocean, the warmth of the sun is soothing, and the ocean breeze refreshing.  Doing it all in silence is nurturing.

Most of our worries are caused by ruminating over the past or the future.  If you can find a way to be present then you can find the silence that is always there.  If you can find the silence you can experience the peace that it holds.  Maybe yoga or BJJ isn’t for you but there is something out there that is, find it and keep it close.

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Sustainable Suicide

Some people suffer from physical disorders or illnesses.  They are easy to see or diagnose, whether it’s from some blood work or an X-ray or CT Scan whatever.  Most of them have clear cut causes and clear cut cures.

Then there is mental illness or as I now choose to call it mental unwellness.  I hate labels.  I hate stigmas.  I hate preconceived notions of strangers or by strangers.  I digress.

Every once in a while, hard to really say how often, I kill myself.  Not in a physical sense but in every other way.  I go through my mind and slay every thought I have about myself, my life and my reality.  If what I was doing or thinking was working for me I wouldn’t have to… actually sometimes I even kill the things that work.  I throw lightning bolts at my tower just so that I can start over again.

I think the human mind has a tendency to want to make things seem logical, we look for patterns and reason.  Our sense of self and life are built on our fundamental thoughts and beliefs but if our fundamental thoughts are beliefs are flawed then our entire perspective becomes flawed as well.

Currently, I’m in self destruct mode.  I’m tearing down everything I thought to be true.  Every time I do this I learn that there are some concrete structures that stand the test of time and hold true no matter how many times I try and tear them down.  These are the beginning of my new foundation.

From here I can start over again.  From here I try again.

I’ve tried telling myself that I can get better, that I can figure this out and that the depression, anxiety and mania will go away one day, I just have to figure it out.  I don’t think that’s true anymore.  I’m choosing to stop believing that.  Not because I’m giving up on myself but more because I’m accepting myself, as is.  If it goes, it goes, if it stays, well then it stays.  I’m done with feeling like I need to be fixed.  This is who I am.  If it changes it changes, if it doesn’t then it doesn’t.  I’m okay with that.

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Self-Destructive Tendencies 

At the beginning of this month I intended to post about depression.  Then I got depressed.  Eighteen days later here I am wondering how in the f*ck it’s lasted this long.  I had only one really bad day in particular.  Since then I’ve been able to function but the layer of heaviness that comes with it hasn’t left me.  It’s fine when I’m doing something and most people wouldn’t even notice but I know.  I’m starting to think that maybe I am doing this to myself.  Trying to force things that shouldn’t be because I’m too stubborn to let them go.  I know better.  I know I know better but I do it over and over again.  Because I can’t help it, because I won’t help it.

We all live in our own fantasy worlds, life from our own unique perspective.  No one else sees the world the way you do.  No one else sees the world the way I do.  I can see these things in my head, they work in my head and everything is going to be fine in my head but maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe I am dead wrong and I’m just fooling myself.  Maybe it’s because I have a fascination for the impossible.  Maybe it’s because I think nothing is impossible.  Maybe that type of thinking is dangerous and arrogant and maybe I’m just too blind to see it.

I’m a dreamer I suppose.  My downfall is that I lack stamina.  I lose motivation, I get bored, I give up.  Maybe I should just let life happen.  Honestly, at this point I’m too tired to do anything else.  I think whenever I push for the things I want I end up fucking them up instead.  Unintentionally but tangibly nevertheless.  Maybe the best thing to do is nothing at all.

This month I have made a lot of choices that undoubtedly have been counterproductive to the things I’ve worked hard to accomplish.  All for reasons unknown to me.  The problem is I think I know better.  Maybe it’s time for me to let go of everything I think I know before I cause anymore damage to myself.

Self-destructive behavior isn’t new to me.  I just tend to forget that I have it.

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Hurt so good

I feel like today is the first time in a long time that my life feels like it’s mine again.  This entire month has been a series of waiting games.  Waiting to find out this, that and the other.  Waiting for things to happen or not happen.    I’ve tied up some major loose ends and couldn’t be happier about it but it seems like life is not done throwing shit my way.  The funny thing is that it’s been going on for so long now that it’s almost become my new normal.

I’ve felt so many different things these past 27 days.  I’ve felt so much that at times I stopped feeling anything at all and what I’m learning is that shit happens.  Life just fucking happens and the older you get the heavier the load.  Sometimes you just have to step back, release expectations and lower standards.

That last part is hard for me because my default view on the world is that it can be better.  Things can always be better.  I believe that but at the same time believing that takes away the value of what is going on now and what is going on now is all there really is.  If you can’t appreciate that then you have nothing and something is better than nothing.

I know there are better days to come and I could sit here and dwell on that but I think that my efforts would be better spent taking the small steps to do what I can do now in the present moment with the larger picture in mind.  These little steps may not seem to be making such a big difference as I do them but they add up.

I’m deciding to focus on the good in my life because it’s become clear to me that the bad will always be there and the bad isn’t necessarily bad because without it how can you appreciate the good.  I don’t mind the heartache.  It lets me know I’m alive.  There is a wide range of emotions to be had and although some feel unpleasant they can hold just as much, if not more, value than the ones that feel good.  How else would we learn if not from pain?

It’s too easy to shut down and shy away from the negative emotions that make you feel weak or vulnerable.  Maybe I’m a bit masochistic but I find beauty in pain.  There is nothing more beautiful than the raw emotion of the human soul on fire because it is in the midst of that pain that you know you are alive.

This doesn’t mean that I consciously go looking for it or wish to experience it every day of my life or even on a regular basis but when it does occur I am grateful for it because it makes every other good moment in my life that much sweeter.

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