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Sustainable Suicide

Some people suffer from physical disorders or illnesses.  They are easy to see or diagnose, whether it’s from some blood work or an X-ray or CT Scan whatever.  Most of them have clear cut causes and clear cut cures.

Then there is mental illness or as I now choose to call it mental unwellness.  I hate labels.  I hate stigmas.  I hate preconceived notions of strangers or by strangers.  I digress.

Every once in a while, hard to really say how often, I kill myself.  Not in a physical sense but in every other way.  I go through my mind and slay every thought I have about myself, my life and my reality.  If what I was doing or thinking was working for me I wouldn’t have to… actually sometimes I even kill the things that work.  I throw lightning bolts at my tower just so that I can start over again.

I think the human mind has a tendency to want to make things seem logical, we look for patterns and reason.  Our sense of self and life are built on our fundamental thoughts and beliefs but if our fundamental thoughts are beliefs are flawed then our entire perspective becomes flawed as well.

Currently, I’m in self destruct mode.  I’m tearing down everything I thought to be true.  Every time I do this I learn that there are some concrete structures that stand the test of time and hold true no matter how many times I try and tear them down.  These are the beginning of my new foundation.

From here I can start over again.  From here I try again.

I’ve tried telling myself that I can get better, that I can figure this out and that the depression, anxiety and mania will go away one day, I just have to figure it out.  I don’t think that’s true anymore.  I’m choosing to stop believing that.  Not because I’m giving up on myself but more because I’m accepting myself, as is.  If it goes, it goes, if it stays, well then it stays.  I’m done with feeling like I need to be fixed.  This is who I am.  If it changes it changes, if it doesn’t then it doesn’t.  I’m okay with that.

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