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Sustainable Suicide

Some people suffer from physical disorders or illnesses.  They are easy to see or diagnose, whether it’s from some blood work or an X-ray or CT Scan whatever.  Most of them have clear cut causes and clear cut cures.

Then there is mental illness or as I now choose to call it mental unwellness.  I hate labels.  I hate stigmas.  I hate preconceived notions of strangers or by strangers.  I digress.

Every once in a while, hard to really say how often, I kill myself.  Not in a physical sense but in every other way.  I go through my mind and slay every thought I have about myself, my life and my reality.  If what I was doing or thinking was working for me I wouldn’t have to… actually sometimes I even kill the things that work.  I throw lightning bolts at my tower just so that I can start over again.

I think the human mind has a tendency to want to make things seem logical, we look for patterns and reason.  Our sense of self and life are built on our fundamental thoughts and beliefs but if our fundamental thoughts are beliefs are flawed then our entire perspective becomes flawed as well.

Currently, I’m in self destruct mode.  I’m tearing down everything I thought to be true.  Every time I do this I learn that there are some concrete structures that stand the test of time and hold true no matter how many times I try and tear them down.  These are the beginning of my new foundation.

From here I can start over again.  From here I try again.

I’ve tried telling myself that I can get better, that I can figure this out and that the depression, anxiety and mania will go away one day, I just have to figure it out.  I don’t think that’s true anymore.  I’m choosing to stop believing that.  Not because I’m giving up on myself but more because I’m accepting myself, as is.  If it goes, it goes, if it stays, well then it stays.  I’m done with feeling like I need to be fixed.  This is who I am.  If it changes it changes, if it doesn’t then it doesn’t.  I’m okay with that.

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Self-Destructive Tendencies 

At the beginning of this month I intended to post about depression.  Then I got depressed.  Eighteen days later here I am wondering how in the f*ck it’s lasted this long.  I had only one really bad day in particular.  Since then I’ve been able to function but the layer of heaviness that comes with it hasn’t left me.  It’s fine when I’m doing something and most people wouldn’t even notice but I know.  I’m starting to think that maybe I am doing this to myself.  Trying to force things that shouldn’t be because I’m too stubborn to let them go.  I know better.  I know I know better but I do it over and over again.  Because I can’t help it, because I won’t help it.

We all live in our own fantasy worlds, life from our own unique perspective.  No one else sees the world the way you do.  No one else sees the world the way I do.  I can see these things in my head, they work in my head and everything is going to be fine in my head but maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe I am dead wrong and I’m just fooling myself.  Maybe it’s because I have a fascination for the impossible.  Maybe it’s because I think nothing is impossible.  Maybe that type of thinking is dangerous and arrogant and maybe I’m just too blind to see it.

I’m a dreamer I suppose.  My downfall is that I lack stamina.  I lose motivation, I get bored, I give up.  Maybe I should just let life happen.  Honestly, at this point I’m too tired to do anything else.  I think whenever I push for the things I want I end up fucking them up instead.  Unintentionally but tangibly nevertheless.  Maybe the best thing to do is nothing at all.

This month I have made a lot of choices that undoubtedly have been counterproductive to the things I’ve worked hard to accomplish.  All for reasons unknown to me.  The problem is I think I know better.  Maybe it’s time for me to let go of everything I think I know before I cause anymore damage to myself.

Self-destructive behavior isn’t new to me.  I just tend to forget that I have it.

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