A matter of choice

I’m not sure how or why but for some reason this month has been different.  I guess I have been different.  There has been a lot of stress, drama and down right bullshit thrown my way but somehow none of it has managed to get to me.  It’s eerily strange if I am to be honest.

There have been moments when I felt as though my worst nightmares had come true and yet even believing that I somehow managed to feel okay.  Have I finally learned how to let go and trust what is?  Maybe this is temporary, maybe it’s permanent, I don’t know.  But what I do know is that it’s different.  Things are different.  I am different.

This month is far from over yet I feel like I have already learned so much.  Not just about myself but about other people as well.

I have learned that some people are as ugly on the inside as they are on the outside and that one should never underestimate the grip that greed can have on another’s heart.  Some people are heart-less, not that they don’t have a heart because I believe that everyone does but some have shut it down so badly that there is barely anything left.  I can’t help but wonder why or how they got that way.  What happened to them in their life that was so bad that it caused them to shut down their heart that way.  Was it a series of things here and there or just one really bad experience?  I feel bad for them.  Even when they are cold and spiteful I can’t feel hate for very long, I just feel…pity?  I’m not sure exactly but I see more than what can be gathered from their actions alone.

Humans have the capacity to be cruel or kind.  It is a choice.  I sometimes find myself getting vindictive and angry over certain trespasses but it doesn’t last for very long.  Holding that kind of negative vibration doesn’t feel good to me.  This does not mean that I will let someone walk all over me or that I will not fight back but if I come back at them it is more from a place that seeks justice not revenge. Maybe it’s the Libra in me but I like to have the scales balanced.

I find it ironic that a bad person will push and push and push a good one because they assume that being good is being weak.  What they fail to realize is that maybe that good person was not always a good person.  Maybe that good person knows that they have the capacity to be ruthless but they choose to be kind instead.  That is not weakness, that is strength, to know that you can demolish someone but instead show them kindness and patience, that is no easy task.

To me the weak ones are the ones who set out to hurt others because to me it shows that they cannot handle their own pain.  They have to transfer it on to someone else and unfortunately that is not too difficult to do.  What is difficult is to stand in your own pain and face it, to feel it long enough to transmute it into something higher.  That is true strength.

Over the past five years or so life has shown me that some people are bad.  I don’t know when my rose colored glasses came into play but I know now that I cannot hang onto those anymore.  The world does have its demons just like it has it’s angels and although you may not be able to always avoid or stop them you can be more aware and take precautions to prevent them from taking full advantage of you.

Not everyone is nice and not everyone will treat you the way you treat them.  There is evil in the world and in man, I feel like I’m finally able to accept that now.


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