I feel like today is the first time in a long time that my life feels like it’s mine again. This entire month has been a series of waiting games. Waiting to find out this, that and the other. Waiting for things to happen or not happen. I’ve tied up some major loose ends and couldn’t be happier about it but it seems like life is not done throwing shit my way. The funny thing is that it’s been going on for so long now that it’s almost become my new normal.
I’ve felt so many different things these past 27 days. I’ve felt so much that at times I stopped feeling anything at all and what I’m learning is that shit happens. Life just fucking happens and the older you get the heavier the load. Sometimes you just have to step back, release expectations and lower standards.
That last part is hard for me because my default view on the world is that it can be better. Things can always be better. I believe that but at the same time believing that takes away the value of what is going on now and what is going on now is all there really is. If you can’t appreciate that then you have nothing and something is better than nothing.
I know there are better days to come and I could sit here and dwell on that but I think that my efforts would be better spent taking the small steps to do what I can do now in the present moment with the larger picture in mind. These little steps may not seem to be making such a big difference as I do them but they add up.
I’m deciding to focus on the good in my life because it’s become clear to me that the bad will always be there and the bad isn’t necessarily bad because without it how can you appreciate the good. I don’t mind the heartache. It lets me know I’m alive. There is a wide range of emotions to be had and although some feel unpleasant they can hold just as much, if not more, value than the ones that feel good. How else would we learn if not from pain?
It’s too easy to shut down and shy away from the negative emotions that make you feel weak or vulnerable. Maybe I’m a bit masochistic but I find beauty in pain. There is nothing more beautiful than the raw emotion of the human soul on fire because it is in the midst of that pain that you know you are alive.
This doesn’t mean that I consciously go looking for it or wish to experience it every day of my life or even on a regular basis but when it does occur I am grateful for it because it makes every other good moment in my life that much sweeter.