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Hurt so good

I feel like today is the first time in a long time that my life feels like it’s mine again.  This entire month has been a series of waiting games.  Waiting to find out this, that and the other.  Waiting for things to happen or not happen.    I’ve tied up some major loose ends and couldn’t be happier about it but it seems like life is not done throwing shit my way.  The funny thing is that it’s been going on for so long now that it’s almost become my new normal.

I’ve felt so many different things these past 27 days.  I’ve felt so much that at times I stopped feeling anything at all and what I’m learning is that shit happens.  Life just fucking happens and the older you get the heavier the load.  Sometimes you just have to step back, release expectations and lower standards.

That last part is hard for me because my default view on the world is that it can be better.  Things can always be better.  I believe that but at the same time believing that takes away the value of what is going on now and what is going on now is all there really is.  If you can’t appreciate that then you have nothing and something is better than nothing.

I know there are better days to come and I could sit here and dwell on that but I think that my efforts would be better spent taking the small steps to do what I can do now in the present moment with the larger picture in mind.  These little steps may not seem to be making such a big difference as I do them but they add up.

I’m deciding to focus on the good in my life because it’s become clear to me that the bad will always be there and the bad isn’t necessarily bad because without it how can you appreciate the good.  I don’t mind the heartache.  It lets me know I’m alive.  There is a wide range of emotions to be had and although some feel unpleasant they can hold just as much, if not more, value than the ones that feel good.  How else would we learn if not from pain?

It’s too easy to shut down and shy away from the negative emotions that make you feel weak or vulnerable.  Maybe I’m a bit masochistic but I find beauty in pain.  There is nothing more beautiful than the raw emotion of the human soul on fire because it is in the midst of that pain that you know you are alive.

This doesn’t mean that I consciously go looking for it or wish to experience it every day of my life or even on a regular basis but when it does occur I am grateful for it because it makes every other good moment in my life that much sweeter.

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Love distanced but not lost

Ending a long term relationship can be hard.  Especially when it feels like they are all you’ve ever known.  It’s natural to want to keep them close to you even after the break up.  Some people are able to do this but not everyone can.  However, sometimes trying to keep them close can actually end up hurting more.  It’s hard to look at the person who was once your everything and not be able to treat them that way.

What most people fail to acknowledge is that you lost more than just a lover.  You also lost your best friend and that part may be even more painful.  Going from together forever to strangers weighs heavy on the heart.  Some days you want them back, others you pray to never see them again.

You can’t change the way you feel but you can feel your feelings and then let them go.  Just because you miss them doesn’t mean you should go back to them.  You can’t expect your heart to let go of a connection like that so easily and in the end it is only time that can tell whether they will have a place back in your life and at what capacity.

I believe that we are all connected energetically and when you spend so much time with someone and love them deeply that connection can be very strong and can remain long after the relationship is over.  The bad news is that it makes it hard to get over them, the good news is if you are quiet enough you can still feel them, no matter how far away they are.  But instead of torturing yourself over it the best thing to do when they cross your mind is to remember the good times and wish them well.  Some loves are best kept from afar.  Uma Thurman has a great quote:  I still love the people I’ve loved, even if I cross the street to avoid them.  You can continue to love them as much as you once did but you don’t have to let them know it.

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A matter of choice

I’m not sure how or why but for some reason this month has been different.  I guess I have been different.  There has been a lot of stress, drama and down right bullshit thrown my way but somehow none of it has managed to get to me.  It’s eerily strange if I am to be honest.

There have been moments when I felt as though my worst nightmares had come true and yet even believing that I somehow managed to feel okay.  Have I finally learned how to let go and trust what is?  Maybe this is temporary, maybe it’s permanent, I don’t know.  But what I do know is that it’s different.  Things are different.  I am different.

This month is far from over yet I feel like I have already learned so much.  Not just about myself but about other people as well.

I have learned that some people are as ugly on the inside as they are on the outside and that one should never underestimate the grip that greed can have on another’s heart.  Some people are heart-less, not that they don’t have a heart because I believe that everyone does but some have shut it down so badly that there is barely anything left.  I can’t help but wonder why or how they got that way.  What happened to them in their life that was so bad that it caused them to shut down their heart that way.  Was it a series of things here and there or just one really bad experience?  I feel bad for them.  Even when they are cold and spiteful I can’t feel hate for very long, I just feel…pity?  I’m not sure exactly but I see more than what can be gathered from their actions alone.

Humans have the capacity to be cruel or kind.  It is a choice.  I sometimes find myself getting vindictive and angry over certain trespasses but it doesn’t last for very long.  Holding that kind of negative vibration doesn’t feel good to me.  This does not mean that I will let someone walk all over me or that I will not fight back but if I come back at them it is more from a place that seeks justice not revenge. Maybe it’s the Libra in me but I like to have the scales balanced.

I find it ironic that a bad person will push and push and push a good one because they assume that being good is being weak.  What they fail to realize is that maybe that good person was not always a good person.  Maybe that good person knows that they have the capacity to be ruthless but they choose to be kind instead.  That is not weakness, that is strength, to know that you can demolish someone but instead show them kindness and patience, that is no easy task.

To me the weak ones are the ones who set out to hurt others because to me it shows that they cannot handle their own pain.  They have to transfer it on to someone else and unfortunately that is not too difficult to do.  What is difficult is to stand in your own pain and face it, to feel it long enough to transmute it into something higher.  That is true strength.

Over the past five years or so life has shown me that some people are bad.  I don’t know when my rose colored glasses came into play but I know now that I cannot hang onto those anymore.  The world does have its demons just like it has it’s angels and although you may not be able to always avoid or stop them you can be more aware and take precautions to prevent them from taking full advantage of you.

Not everyone is nice and not everyone will treat you the way you treat them.  There is evil in the world and in man, I feel like I’m finally able to accept that now.

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No more promises

Everything is in a constant state of flux.  Nothing in this world is permanent, nothing in this world is still.  We like to use words like always and forever but in actuality they are just that; words.

How can we promise each other anything that doesn’t exist in the now?  Things change, people change, perspectives change, thoughts change, feelings change.  Everything changes.  

So how to you maintain anything long term?  

First, you accept that no thing is forever, time is an illusion and all you have is now.  So if you want to keep someone or something in your future make sure you are keeping it close now. 

It’s the little things that happen from one moment to the next that build your tomorrow.  

Show gratitude for what you have and let go of expectations.  

Live now, love now.  And if tomorrow you find it gone at least you’ll know that you did all you could.

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