Because I know I’m not the only one…

I could probably write a page from each paragraph below but I just want to keep it simple for now.  Mom, if you read this I don’t blame you or dad for anything and I’m sorry if any of this hurts you.  Some of these things still hurt me too but I’ve moved past them which is why I can talk about them now.  Let me be clear on this, I am not writing this for me, I am writing this for anyone out there who struggles with a mental disorder.  I don’t really like the word “disorder” but that is a different post  and for the sake of simplicity that word is the one I will use for now.  

Everyone goes though shit, I am not special, I am not unique.  I am just one of many who have gone through private hells in their heads.  Also, I no longer identify myself with any of these issues because I stopped labeling myself.  With all this in mind, I hope you get something out of these words.


There is a lot of shit going on in the world right now, a lot of fear and a lot of hurt and I don’t know what’s going to happen but I know that in order to heal the world we must first heal ourselves.  So I’m writing this to share my story.  Not particularly because I want to but more because I want to help anyone else out there that might be going through similar shit.  Mental disorders carry such stigmas and are rarely understood by outsiders.  It’s easier to label someone as crazy and write them off than it is to try and appreciate their situation and understand where they are coming from.  And for those of you who have a disorder I know how difficult it can be to try and talk to someone about something that you don’t even understand yourself.

I, personally, have had a few of these “disorders” throughout my life.  To me they have been more like phases because I’ve been able to work my way out of most of them but there’s at least one I still struggle with.  It’s why I’m up some days and down on others.  Most people are familiar with the term Bipolar Disorder:  a mental disorder marked by alternating periods of elation and depression, well what I deal with is similar but a little different, it’s called Cyclothymia:  a less intense but often longer lasting version of bipolar disorder.  One where the person experiences both highs and lows but not as severe as mania or major depression.  Of course, I wasn’t always this way.

No, I went through a few other DSM criteria before I hit that one…

At 17 I had passive suicidal ideation which simply means that I thought about dying…a lot.  Deep down I didn’t really want to die.  I just didn’t want to feel the way I was feeling anymore and thought that I’d be better off dead.  My issues started before that though, I feel like I’ve always had a certain level of anxiety, since early childhood, but I don’t think the depression started until I was about 12.  I hated middle school and my life throughout all three years of it.  The beginning of high school was a bit better but by the time I was a junior I had developed a few very unhealthy coping mechanisms.  I am not going to go into detail over my childhood and what contributed to my numerous psychological disorders because I’d rather focus more on how I reacted to these triggers than the actual triggers themselves.

Anyway, In early adolescence, I inadvertently developed an eating disorder, anorexia nervosa.  I wouldn’t eat.  Not because I thought I was fat but because it was a way to get back at my parents and there wasn’t much that they could do about it.  I was angry at them but as a child there isn’t much you can do so I did what I could.  Food restriction was one of those things.  It started as a way to annoy them and get their attention I guess but then it ended up with me actually making it a goal to not eat.  I had to tell myself I was fat so that I wouldn’t want to eat.  I was more stubborn and angry than health conscious and was willing to do what it took to get my point across, which at the time was “fuck you.”

Concerned family members would ask me if I was okay and would even specifically ask me if I had an eating disorder.  I denied it.  I denied it every time.  I’m not really sure when I stopped that behavior but I eventually did.  My poor self body image however…that lingered.

I became depressed.  I wouldn’t leave the house, partly to annoy my mother, partly because I actually didn’t want to leave.  I preferred being alone than pretending I was okay.  I knew I wasn’t okay but I didn’t tell anyone that.  I got good grades at school, was in honors and advanced placement classes and didn’t have any behavior issues so there wasn’t much they could say.

By the end of high school all of these things were adding up and I couldn’t take it anymore.  In vain attempts to numb out I would drink or smoke but only on occasion and never out of control or even remotely alarming for an adolescent in my demographic.  This wasn’t enough for me though and one day I picked up a small pocket knife and ran it across my palm.  I don’t know why but it made me feel better.  Not too far away from that incident, I took triple or quadruple the dose of some random pills (I don’t recall what they were) but all that resulted was some chest pain.  Part of me was relieved, the other part of me was slightly disappointed.  Like I said before, I didn’t really want to die, if it was just me then maybe I would have but the thought of leaving my two younger siblings behind is honestly what kept me from doing anything too drastic.  I knew that if I did, it would only make things worse for them and that was something I would not allow myself to do.

Not long after those two incidents I finally told my mother that I needed to talk to someone.  I told her because the thoughts of dying were too consistent to ignore and I was getting scared that I would do something I might not get a chance to regret.  I vaguely recall my first therapist, I only met with her two or three times before she referred me to a psychiatrist.  The psychiatrist gave me a prescription for SSRIs.  I had been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder and the pills were supposed to help.  Well it wasn’t long before I wasn’t depressed anymore, the pills kept me from feeling depressed but they also kept me from feeling much of anything else so I ended up becoming emotionally indifferent.  I wasn’t sad but I wasn’t happy either, I was numb.  Then out of no where…boom!  I felt something.  I felt great!  I was happy!  I was excited!  I was buzzing!  I was manic.  The pills had triggered my first manic episode.  It felt good at the time but I remember thinking that something was not right, something was wrong but I felt so high that I didn’t care and I didn’t express my concerns to my parents.  After a few days things went back to normal.  Back to feeling nothing.  These manic episodes would resurface sporadically and repeatedly but I stayed on the pills for a while, about 2 years or so.

By the time I got off of them I was away at college.  There I was able to self medicate with other things and distract myself enough to not feel so depressed or anxious anymore plus a big part of my stress was gone just by virtue of leaving my household.  Unfortunately however, by the time I stopped taking the pills the damage was already done.  The manic episodes had become set into my psyche, even without the pills I would get them.  The depression was their too along with the anxiety but now the triggers were a lot less predictable and it didn’t take much to set me off one way or another.

My Sophomore year in college I met my future husband.  Of course, at the time I had no idea that things would get so far.  I had had a few relationships before him but they were all superficial.  I never actually got to know any of the guys I dated before him even though if you had asked me at the time if I had ever been in love I would have said yes, several times.

This time was different though.  I clearly remember him lying next to me in my twin size bed, he had fallen asleep and I remember looking at him and crying.  I cried because I was scared.  I was scared because I realized that I had fallen in love with him.  “Fuck” was my initial thought.  Why?  Because now I was afraid to lose him.  Every other guy I had dated before was less than faithful and so naturally I was afraid he’d fuck it up, I was afraid I’d fuck it up, I was afraid he’d see how fucked up I was and leave.  These fears fed what had already started to emerge, just by virtue of me being in a relationship; Borderline Personality Disorder.  If you are unfamiliar with the term Borderline Personality Disorder it is defined as a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions.

BPD proved to be a lot more destructive than any other previous condition I had.  It was also a lot harder to hide.

Fast forward about 5 years.  I graduated college, we left college town and moved to another city where we rented a house together.  At some point the BPD got worse.  Maybe it was because at this point I had so much invested in him that…  Also, my mind just couldn’t accept the fact that I might actually have something worth keeping, something real, a chance at happiness.  Anyway, something happened, something triggered the fear of God in me and my psyche went into full panic mode, I remember sitting in the bathtub with the hot shower water pouring down and all I could do to calm myself down was drag my fingernails along my skin.  I did this repeatedly until there were red marks all along my thighs.  I didn’t tell him.

I think that was the first time, but it wasn’t the last.  It soon became a coping mechanism.  When I felt like I couldn’t handle reality I would go through this ritual of trying to cut through my skin as if peeling of the layers would somehow set me free from the torment I felt inside.  Well, eventually he noticed and eventually I ended up in therapy, again.

This time I went to see a psychotherapist.  She was nice.  She listened and she asked me questions and she did it in such a way that I was able to see how I had ended up where I had.  She told me my behavior was a natural reaction to an unnatural circumstance.  In other words, I was not defective but my environment and circumstances led me to view things in this way and my destructive self-harm coping mechanism was almost to be expected.  That made me feel better.  It made me feel relieved that I wasn’t that crazy after all.  I think it’s safe to say that my healing process started there, with her.  It was still a long road from there but she was the first one who actually helped.  With her I actually felt some sort of hope for myself, I no longer felt like a lost cause or a basketcase and all she really did different was listen.  She listened and she validated me.  Ridiculous how something so simple can make such a big difference but it does.

There is a lot more in between and even more from then until now but I’ll save that for another post.  These things are pretty personal and not really things that most people talk about openly but I wanted to share them because I want whoever might be going through anything similar to know that things get better.  It may take days, months, or years even but things do get better, you just can’t give up.  And if you think you need help then you probably do, even if you don’t think you need help, you probably do.  Asking for it and accepting it is not an easy thing but I can tell you that it’s easier to fight your demons with someone by your side than it is to face them on your own.  When it’s just you, you only have your own limited perspective on the situation and you are limited by only your personal experiences.  Sometimes medication helps, other times it makes it worse.  I think prescription pills for mental disorders are a very personal and individual choice.  You can’t go off of someone else’s experience.

I still have to deal with the cyclothymia thing from time to time but I’ve learned to recognize the signs of an episode sooner rather than later and they are a lot less extreme, partly because of me being able to recognize them before they spiral out of control and partly because I have less triggers than I used to.

So, if you are one of the many people who suffer from a mental disorder or even if you don’t and are just having a hard time I want you to know that things will be okay, you will be okay, and if you need someone to talk to seek out a trusted friend, family member, a professional or even me, I personally have a really hard time judging people for anything because I myself have been no angel.

If you feel like an emotional wreck, you are not alone, if you feel like you can’t stand the sight of yourself, you are not alone, if you feel like the world is caving in on you, you are not alone, if you feel like dying, you are not alone, if you feel uncomfortable in your own skin or on this planet, you are not the only one.  I’ve been through a lot, I’m sure more have been through worse, but you know what I’ve learned?  I’m resilient as fuck.  I don’t give up.  I may take breaks but I always come back and when I come back I’m stronger and wiser.  Hindsight is 20/20 and all these things I’ve experienced have served only to make me stronger.  They have helped increased my compassion and empathy for others who have gone through the same.  These “disorders” have given me the kind of suffering and pain that you don’t wish on your enemies but if it can help me help someone else, even just a little bit, then I say they were well worth the pain.

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When we die

Two days ago we took a trip across the state to see my husband’s 99 year old grandmother.  When we arrived she was pretty much on her death bed.  The nurse had just given her something to help her sleep so we weren’t able to do much that night.  The next morning we went over to see her again.  She was awake but not quite herself as was to be expected.  There isn’t much you can do in situations like this other than listen.  So my husband and I sat next to her and listened to her speak.  Not everything she said was coherent or decipherable but it was all the same message; love.  Baba talked about love.  She told us how much she loved us and the rest of the family and what she thought made everyone so special.  She didn’t talk about money other than to say that greed has caused far too many problems in our political system and in the world.  She didn’t talk about fancy houses or cars, jewelry or clothing.  Nope, none of that, just people, people she loved and people who loved her back.

The things this woman is leaving behind in this world are priceless.  You can’t talk about Baba without mentioning Deda.  Deda was her husband who passed before Steve and I were married.  I only met him once but that was enough to see why he was so loved and admired by his family.  Seeing him and Baba. together was an experience and an inspiration.  In their 90s, these two were still very much in love.  I remember sitting in a car with them and Deda saying how he never even looked at other women, Baba without any hesitation chimed in “that’s because your eyes are bad” we all laughed.  That was the type of comical banter that they had.

These two loved each other.  It was a special kind of love, love as it should be, unselfish, unconditional and timeless.  Together these two served as examples for their grandchildren.  I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard Steve say “I learned this from Deda.”  He learned how to build, how to fix, how to fish, how to behave, how to help strangers, how to respect others, how to treat women, all from Deda.  The things he learned from Baba are just as valuable but they weren’t actively taught, they were learned from observation.  Steve describes her as a peacekeeper and someone who he has never heard speak ill of anyone else.  These things I think he has absorbed himself.

I write this blog for two reasons.  One to share what I hope everyone learns before it’s too late; that the most important thing in this life is love and people, not material things.  Your bank account isn’t a substitute for social interaction when you are living out your last days.  Value your family and your friends.  The second one is that I want my husband to know that their legacy lives on through him.  He’s more than just my husband or the father to my kids, he is also my best friend, my rock, my therapist, my confidant, partner in everything and an amazing man in general.  I see so much of both Deda and Baba in him every day.  If we leave this world still in love, with nothing but two capable and well raised children we will have had all we ever needed.  I’m happy to say so far so good.


Don’t be an asshole.

Okay I get it, we are all very emotional right now and with good reason.  We just elected a new President and only about half of you voted for him. However!!!!  That is not an excuse to be an asshole.  Yes, I get it, he’s this, that and the other.  Did I vote for him? No, I didn’t but that doesn’t mean I now get free reign to spread negativity and hate all around the internet at my friends and family because my candidate lost.  I know a lot of people are taking the lose personally, well don’t.  Just don’t.

Also, I know there are many warning signs and we are all a bit nervous about them (Berlin wall was meant to keep people out but it in effect kept people in), the whole Holocaust thing and his similarities in that aspect too.  But!  Those who are ignorant of history are doomed to repeat it, well we are not ignorant of these events.  We are very much aware of them and we can hence make changes to avoid steering our country in that direction.  Further division amongst ourselves, especially caused by ourselves, is not the answer.  They try to divide us on every plane and aspect that they can, don’t do that for them.  Don’t help them to divide us as people.  I mean fuck!  We all share the same planet, the same sun, the same moon, and currently the same country.  Yes, we look different but we are all the same underneath are we not?  If you can’t reconcile that thought then take this into consideration…You are not better than or less than anyone else out there.  We are all humans, making mistakes and learning on the way.  Some of us had a systematic advantage or disadvantage over others, if you lucked out and were born into a family who is well off and in the majority then good for you, but don’t go around looking down on those who weren’t.  And if you were born on the other side of that coin, as a minority with a family who had to struggle to keep food on the table and pay the bills, that is where you came from, not who you are.  You can do better and don’t let anyone else tell you that you can’t.  It’s still better than some people who literally have nothing.  Don’t be hateful or resentful of those who have more than you.  Set goals instead to achieve the things you want, not hate those who have what you don’t.


If you are not sure how not to be an asshole start with this:

  1. Recognize that we all come from different perspectives, your view of the world is not the same as anyone else’s.  It was shaped by your personal life experiences and circumstances, your family, your culture, the year you were born etc.  How can you with any certainty say that your thoughts are correct and everyone else’s are wrong?


  1. Even if you disagree with the way other people live their life, specifically their love life and who they choose as partners, leave them alone. That is none of your fucking business.  In a world where we struggle to find love let people who love each other be with each other.  Sorry if it doesn’t agree with your religion or preference but not everyone believes the same thing as you do (refer to #1).



  1. You are not your body and neither is that person of another color. They are not their body.  We are spiritual beings having a physical experience.  So how dare you judge another because of the body they were born into?  Worry about your own vessel.


  1. If you cannot accept these things at least attempt to tolerate them.



  1. If you cannot tolerate them then ask yourself why you harbor so much hate and resentment? Who or what are you really angry at?


  1. Put yourself in their shoes. Before you go and do something mean or nasty to someone based on your narrow minded ideals ask how you would feel if someone did or said those things to you or someone you cared about.  Don’t make excuses about how you never would, that’s not what I said, I said just imagine if someone was that way towards you, would you like it?


  1. You don’t have to agree with someone in order to respect them or be kind, so if you don’t agree then do so to yourself, if you have to say something say it in a way that doesn’t attack the other person directly. If you really do know better then teach, don’t belittle.


How to be a good person (for you over-achievers out there)

  1. Stand up for those who are being put down.  If you see someone being mean to someone else who doesn’t deserve it, don’t just stand there and watch.  You don’t even have to confront the bully but at least stand by the victim and let them know someone cares.


  1. Lead by example, we have a whole new generation of Americans that we are raising. They are watching us and what we do, not just what we say.  You want to end racism (or any other type of hateful bias) start there.  Start with yourself.  Educate your children.  Show them to form their opinions of people by their actions not by their appearance.  Also, teach them that their self-worth comes from within, not form the outside or what other people say or think about them.


  1. Be grateful. Simple right?  Find one thing, anything, that makes you grateful and hold on to that feeling for as long as you can.  Stretch it out see how long you can make it last.  Your positive vibe will affect those around you.
  1. Don’t return hate with hate.   I know that is hard.  I know it’s almost instinct now-a-days but we can change that.  Let’s be tolerant of those who don’t quite get it yet.  I am not even going to say you have to be kind but at least don’t drop to their level of ignorance because at the end of the day that is what hate is, ignorance.  If you got the opportunity to really see someone else and the struggles that that person has gone through and survived you’d probably fall in love.  I know there are exceptions to every rule but I feel for the most part this is true.
  1. Everyone has something to teach you and you can teach something to everyone else. Just keep that in mind.

Focus on the good, you create by giving energy to things.  Your thoughts are energy.  If you are constantly thinking about what is wrong that is what you are creating.  Plus try this, spend one minute thinking of all the bad things that could go wrong, then ask yourself how you feel.  Then spend a whole minute thinking about all that could go right, even if it is a stretch, just imagine.  See how you feel after that minute.  Which feels better?

Yea shit can seem kind of scary right now but it doesn’t have to be.  Our future isn’t in the hands of any one person unless we continue to believe that it is.  Start believing in yourself and the power of the human collective consciousness.  You want heaven on earth, start with your little piece of self.  Find peace and love within yourself and soon, I promise, you will start to see it in others.  Most of all, please don’t give up, we’ve made it this far, if we go out let’s not go out without a fight.  Spread love or die trying.

What are somethings that you do to help yourself stay positive?


Regardless of what happens tomorrow

Tomorrow is election day.  I’d love to think that there is even a remote chance that Jill Stein can win but we all know that is not going to be the case.  People are stuck on the belief that we have one of two choices.  I’m not going to go into how awful each of these options are or how downright depressing it is to see how many people are completely fucking brainwashed.  That’s the way things were intended, the shadow government or whatever you want to call them set out on a mission to manipulate and control the population and by god they have done a fabulous job.  I’m not going to go into our contaminated water or modified food or overload of medication and media propaganda.

What I am going to say is this.  Regardless of who “wins” tomorrow life in America is never going to be the same again.  Hillary doesn’t have many supporters but what she does have is corrupted corporate backing.  People who stand to continue to profit off of war and the current system we have in place.  Sorry, my fellow Americans, but to them we are not much more than cattle.  We are conditioned to consume, our consumption feeds their pockets, they care not what it does to our environment or to the people used to manufacture the things that we don’t need.  They turn us against each other because we are easier to control that way.  Black versus white, Christian versus Muslim, immigrant versus native, poor versus rich, fat versus skinny, male versus female, it goes on.  Things get bad, we get depressed, we get medicated.  Corruption is exposed, we get distracted, false flag events, celebrity drama.  Fear this, fear that, but don’t do anything about it, just fear it.  You scared?  Here let me save you, all it costs is a little bit of your freedom, just a bit here and there, you won’t even notice.

I’m fucking tired.  I’m tired of our love of war, of our exaltation of our military and patriotism.  We are told that we are brave and valiant and do our country a great service.  How fucking big does our military need to get, who the fuck are we fighting?  Before you go and get pissed off about that realize I am not passing judgment on the soldiers themselves because I bet half of them don’t have a fucking clue what they are actually signed up for.  But you know what, in this day and age ignorance is a fucking choice and if you are signing up to risk your life and take the lives of others you should do some fucking research.  How many ex-soldiers are out there trying to warn you?  No, don’t mind them, even though they have seen it firsthand.  Just worry about all the benefits that will come with it, GI Bills, VA benefits, a salary, you need that last one because minimum wage isn’t going to cut it.  That is not your fault but it is your problem, but they have a solution.  Just don’t come back with any psychological problems because you may end up homeless on the street and well since you can’t do what they need you to do anymore you are no longer worth the investment, sorry.

Broken.  Our education system is really an indoctrination system in disguise.  Our medical system only serves as a revolving door for pharmaceutical companies who don’t give a shit if the meds you are getting are actually causing more damage than good.

It will be more of the same shit if Hillary is selected, that’s what they want, they’ve had this system going for a while now and it’s worked for them quite well.

If Trump wins and goes about making America Great Again what will we end up with?  1984?  A fucking wall?  I’ve got news for you folks, that wall isn’t to keep out the immigrants, it’s to keep you in.  A mass emigration would not be farfetched because who the fuck wants to live in a country that is ruled by someone who thinks it’s okay to hate someone else because they are different than you, someone who objectifies women, condones violence and worst of all doesn’t see a fucking thing wrong with it!  You think Nazi Germany can’t happen all over again, and that’s a big problem.

How many times are we going to re-live the same horrors?  I’m over it.  How hard is it to embrace compassion and empathy?

Neither one of these assholes is going to save you, or me, or this country.  If we can gather anything from what is going on in the world right now it should be that we do have an impact, each and every single one of you does.  You want to help make things better?  Go sit down and ask yourself what you value, what is important to you in this life?  What do want to come home to?  I bet It’s not stuff.  I bet it’s people.  I bet what matters most to you most is to come home to your family, to have them feel safe and be healthy and happy.  Who would refuse that?   Who wants to come home to find out that their daughter has been raped or their son has been beaten or their wife has been killed?  No, it’s the kind of things we say we wouldn’t wish on our enemies but our thoughts and actions say otherwise.  All that goes out the window when the person on the receiving end is not us, when the person on the receiving end of the hate looks different than us.  If a law passed tomorrow that made it legal to go around and kill people in any color car that was different than yours, I bet some people would go out and do it, not because they don’t like the color of the other person’s car but because it’s an excuse to carry out the hate and violence that they harbor inside.  However, I’d like to think that most people would see how absurd it is and quickly realize that it would only lead to mass deaths and untold sorrow.

It would be stupid to try and justify the murder of someone because of what the color of something that they own is.  Stupid.  Now go and tell everyone that everyone else out there who drives a different color car than them is going to try and kill them and things get more interesting.  Now you have to do it before they do it to you.  Dog eat dog, right?  Fear makes people do stupid things.  Ever stop to think about how victims of serial killers usually have something in common?  Their victims are objectified.  It puts the lotion in the basket.  Not “she”, “it”.  Humans have to be objectified before they are abused, raped or murdered.  They are not seen as people.  What does that tell you?  Fundamentally, humans are good natured, they have compassion wired in but unfortunately, it can be over-rode.

Don’t let either one of these people over ride your human nature.  Don’t let them blind you and trick you into thinking that another human isn’t a human because of what he thinks, feels, or how he looks.  No matter how scared you get, don’t trade in your humanity.  We can do so much if we all work together.  We’d be unstoppable.  If every single person, not even everyone but even just more than half, if 51% of us can hold our shit together long enough to help guide the rest of us out of the darkness and fear, we may have a shot.




Moving on is not giving up, it’s letting go

Sometimes you come across people who change you, people who mark a before and after in your life.  Whether friend, lover, or acquaintance there are some people out there that trigger something inside you.

We don’t think of people as drugs but ask anyone who has been in love and they will tell you that it is possible to be addicted to a person or a relationship.  The problem is that not everyone you meet is meant to stick around forever.  Sometimes their purpose in your life is solely to show you where you need to heal or grow.

From childhood we are fed fairy tales of happily ever after, we naturally expect that real life should be the same way.  But it’s not.  Not everyone you love is meant to be in your life forever and always.  Sometimes you have to just appreciate the fact that you met them at all, remember what they taught you and move on.

I believe that the Universe has a plan for each of us and if you pay close enough attention sometimes you can see bits and pieces of it.  I see this existence as an education for the soul.  We come here to experience and to learn and thus grow.  We can’t grow if we keep trying to re-read the same chapter.  Even if it was your favorite one, you can’t progress on your education if you refuse to turn the page.

Pay attention, life is full of synchronicity (some call it coincidence), if someone is meant to be in your life they will be, and even if you both go your separate ways life will bring you back if that is what is meant to happen.  Trying to hold onto things that aren’t meant for you will only cause you pain and delay the good things that are already set to come your way.  Trust in the divine, be grateful for the ones that stick around, and wish the rest well.



Fuckboys and Sluts

I saw this video on Facebook of two girls who dressed up as “fuckboys” for Halloween, I found it hilarious but some of the boys in the comment section were seriously offended, it wasn’t long before the word slut was being thrown around at the girls and it made me wonder…

What exactly are we criticizing?  The act of sex can be viewed from so many different angles and one’s culture, upbringing, religion, social conditioning, whatever play a role in how sex is viewed.

At the most basic level sex is a physical act used by most all species in nature for the purpose of procreation.  It is hardwired in our DNA.  I’m not going to go too much into depth or detail because that would take forever but my point is this:  It’s okay to be a fuckboy and it’s okay to be a slut.  Why?  Because it is your body and what you do with it should be your choice.  The problem is not in two consenting adults having casual sex, the problem is in any deception or promise of something more than just said casual sex.

Not everyone has time or wants a relationship or a commitment with another person, however that does not mean that they do not want sex.  If the two individuals are not in a relationship with someone else why should the act of them having sex with each other warrant any type of criticism or belittling?  Most opposition or denouncing of this behavior is likely to come from people with religious views, well sorry to break it to you but not everyone is religious and not everyone feels the same way you do.

That all being said, there are some basic precautions that should be taken into consideration, such as birth control and STD preventatives, testing and treatment.  This should be a priority because when they are ignored then this behavior does affect the rest of society, not just the two involved.

The big thing that stands out to me when it comes to promiscuous behavior isn’t really any of the above but what it does to you on a more subtle, energetic or spiritual level.  Sex is an exchange of energy and when viewed in this light sex becomes a sacred act because it affects more than just the physical body.  Of course, I am aware that not all people know or agree with this and I myself did not consider it for the longest time but now I find it undeniable, at least in my own personal experience.  So with that concept in mind the choosing of a partner becomes a little more selective.  You want to be with someone who respects you and themselves, someone who has a higher vibration and has qualities that you would like to see in yourself.  If you go with someone of a lower vibration enough times they could bring you down with them, especially if you are not conscious of what is going on.  Like I stated earlier I am not going to go too much into depth on this post but I hope that at the very least you take the time to do some research on how sex affects more than just the physical body and also consider that not all people view sex in the same way and instead of shaming people for having sex and keeping the subject taboo we should be learning more about it and keeping an open mind and heart.  Sex was not meant to be a cause for shame but narrow minds and generations of conditioning have turned the sacred into something profane.


Infidelity and Forgiveness

I understand that people make mistakes.  I understand that a big part of love is acceptance and forgiveness.  I am open to second chances because people are people and we make mistakes, it’s how we learn and how we grow but when your partner keeps making the same mistake over and over again and you keep taking them back over and over again it’s not them breaking your heart anymore, it’s you.
There is a big difference between; I think they’re messing around and I found a text on their phone or I actually saw them with someone else.  I’m sure a certain level of jealousy and paranoia is normal from time to time but if it keeps coming up it could be an indicator that you two are out of sync and need to reconnect.  And when the other person is flat out doing things that they would not do in front of you or would not want you to find out about then there is a problem.

If you are unhappy with your current partner then tell them, chances are they already know.  Tell them you want time apart, go and meet other people, have fun if you want but don’t go stringing them along as your safe bet because you are too much of a coward to tell them the truth.  Yeah, they probably won’t be happy to hear it but at least they can appreciate your honestly and if things don’t work out elsewhere and you want to go for Round 2 with them then you have a new level of openness and trust because they know that they can count on you to let them know when things aren’t right.  Hearing it from you versus hearing it from someone else makes a world of a difference.

But what if they hate you, what if they want nothing to do with you after that?  Well, if they really mean that much to you then you need to be putting in the effort to show them that they do and work on your problems.  If you can’t solve them then you can’t solve them but at least you will have a decent ending and yea they might hate you for a while but they will be thankful in the end because it’s better than being deceived and lied to.

The worst and most insulting thing, I have seen is when a person improves themselves, finds new suitors and then all of the sudden their ex has a change of heart.  They are so sorry and want you back.  *eye roll* Really?  Why couldn’t you appreciate them before?  Why do you care who they go on dates with now?  Are you afraid of them catching feelings for someone new and then shutting the door on you?  It’s one thing to recognize your mistake but another thing to weasel your way back into their life with more lies and deceptions because your little ego can’t handle seeing them be happy with someone else.  Let them be happy, let them go.  Where were all those feelings when you were messing around with the other people behind their back?  Did you think about them then?  Are you really sorry or just sorry because you got caught?

You are okay as long as they are miserable and miss you but the moment they pick themselves up off of the floor where you left them and shake off the dust all the sudden you want them back again.  Well, fuck you.

But unfortunately, that’s not what I see happening.  I see too many people drop their progress because their ex throws a few sweet words their way.  It wasn’t the words that broke you up, it was their actions so why are you letting them fix it with words instead of actions?  You love them, you don’t want to be alone, you already invested so much time in them, blah, blah, blah.  Once is a mistake, twice is a choice.  If it’s the first time fine, if it’s not…

I just want to tell you that you deserve better.  You deserve someone who is going to bend over backwards for you not just with words but with actions, who is going to show you that they have changed not promise that they will and quite frankly if you take them back so easily and so soon why the fuck would they change a thing?

At the very least give it time.  Learn who you are without them.  Wait until you know that you can be okay on your own.  You should be with someone because you want to, not because you feel you need to or are afraid of being alone or don’t want to see them with someone else.  If two people are meant to be together they will be.  I’m not saying love is easy, it’s not, it’s work and it’s heartache at times but you need to know that the person you are suffering for is worth the pain and you need to have a mutual respect for each other and a strong foundation built on trust.  If you don’t have that you have nothing.  Love alone is not enough.

However, at the end of the day, only you know what you know and what you feel and only you know your relationship and whether or not that person is worth the heartache.  Just make sure you’re not lying to yourself or making excuses when you take them back.  Have boundaries, let those boundaries be known and most importantly when those boundaries are crossed have enough respect for yourself to walk away.  Any relationship is really a relationship with yourself.  If you don’t love and respect yourself how can you expect anyone else to?


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