Every once in a while, I like to stir things up. I will disrupt my normal routine or way of living just because. I like to do this because it keeps me from getting stuck in anything. The things I love and that work for me I always return to but it allows me to shed the things that don’t work and are not really needed.
In this way I can see what I can live without and what I can’t. What is needed and what is tolerated. I, try as I might, can never settle into the same ol’ routine every single day of my life. I am not static. It’s not the way I work. I am air. I can blow full speed in one direction but am quick to change my course. If I am still I am dead. I do things just to know that I can and then move on. I used to search for a formula that would work, one that I could commit to and then not have to think about anymore but what I’ve realized is that isn’t me. That is not for me. I like to think, I like to wonder, I like to imagine and if I already have everything figured out then I get bored. I live more like the moon, in phases. If you just check up on me every once in while the changes look random and unrelated but if you watch long enough you see that there is a larger pattern, a cycle and I always come back around. I am starting to accept that last part. I am who I am and this is how I am. I cycle. I’ve been trying to be like the sun my whole life, steady, consistent, easily predictable but I am a child of the moon, not the sun.
I like to figure things out, I like to have answers and the greatest puzzle I have, and one that I may never figure out, is myself. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past decade, prior to this I was just always victim to the ups and downs, feeling and experiencing emotions but never really questioning what brought them about. Then I started to pay attention. To learn what set me off and why. In this way I learned to help curb the extremes. I found some things that help and some that don’t. The most important thing that I have acquired however is self-love and that only came after self-acceptance. I had to accept that I was damaged to a certain extent but that the damage could be repaired or at the very least contained. Now, I view my episodes of madness as an opportunity to gain insight. To see what triggers me and why. I believe that we are all programmed by life events and situations, these programs dictate thoughts, these thoughts birth emotion and emotion drives action.
I go through phases where I use things to stabilize my emotions but then I go through times where I stop stabilizing and these moments allow the faults to surface and give me a chance to look at them and work to figure out what thought patterns cause them, once I know that, I can seek out the program and see if it still holds true to its purpose in my life. The programs are put in place to protect you, courtesy of the ego I suppose, but as you get older life changes, circumstances change and the programs become outdated and sometimes self-destructive. My greatest desire is to free myself of the programs that no longer serve me. I want to get rid of these and release any emotional debris that I am carrying around. The body stores emotions and there are ways to let them go. This is what drives my heart. The desire to be free. But however rewarding this work is, it is still work and I can only handle so much of it at a time, hence my need to stabilize.
This is why some days it looks like I am this and other days I am that, but I am always just me but in different phases.